NYLON’s Holiday Gift Guide 2019: I Want One Of Those

Nobody:

Literally no one:

Me: “I want one!”

Christmas shopping can be a chore — what do you get for the person who has everything? How about for the person who seemingly wants nothing? And for the person you hardly know? I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who stresses out around the holidays. For all of you who feel the same, we have just the solution for you. Useless things — things nobody really wants until they find out they actually exist. Here’s a list of the perfect non-gifts — no one’s actually going to ask for any of these things, but no one’s going to complain about receiving them either.

1. GIFT OF NOTHING, $9.86

Available at amazon.com.

This one’s for those people who have everything and need nothing, or those who say “nothing” when asked what they want for Christmas. While it may seem like you’re giving them nothing for Christmas, you could be giving them a laugh, or two, and maybe a sensational Instagram story. Better than nothing, right?

2. THE WORLD’S PINKEST PINK BY STUART SEMPLE, £3.99

Available at culturehustle.com.

Here’s 50g of the world’s pinkest pigment ever created. Use it to paint your room, your clothes, perhaps even your next masterpiece. As long as you’re not Anish Kapoor (who won’t share his black), feel free to drown any object in this obnoxiously pink paint.

3. TAPPER AIRPOD CARRYING STRAP, $87.80

Available at Nordstrom.

Why, things have come full circle huh. This might be the most perplexing item on the list because, aren’t AirPods supposed to be strapless? Small, light and portable? Why do they need carrying straps, which would effectively set back its design to that of its predecessor? So many questions. But if you know someone who appreciates the irony — and is always losing valuable items — this leather strap, worn around the neck, could be of use.

4. GROW A BOYFRIEND, USD3.75

Available at Amazon.

Tired of your friend complaining about their perpetual singleness? Do they sigh whenever someone asks if they’re bringing a date? No worries! With just a few dollars, a little water and 72 hours, you’ll be able to shut them up and they’ll have a 12-inch boyfriend of their own. Gone are the days of dating apps and endless swiping for them — this little man can be dried out and used over and over again.

5. CALM THE F*CK DOWN COLOURING BOOK, $4.99

Available at amazon.com.

An exercise in mindfulness is just what every millennial needs. How effective is an adult colouring book though? We don’t know, but you probably know someone who’d appreciate sassy quips such is “home is where the vodka is”, or “dance like no one attractive is watching”. Ah, true bliss.

6. AESOP POST-POO DROPS, $39

Available at Aesop stores. 

You’ll do anyone a favour by making any big business at the loo a heavenly affair, thanks to this practical Aesop gift. A bathroom deodoriser that neutralises nasty smells, essentially a botanical blend of citrus peels and a floral Ylang Ylang scent. Save your friend the embarrassment at the cashier’s by getting this for them. 

7. BIGMOUTH INC INFLATABLE BANANA BOAT MULTI DRINK FLOAT, $35.90

Available at Naiise.

Yes, we all would like to live it up at a Bali villa, drink in hand — but how practical are pool floats, really? Especially the ones that claim to hold your drinks. From our actual experience, we’d be constantly fearful of our drinks falling into the water due to the splashing around that happens during pool parties… and this one’s a Banana Boat that holds FOUR cups. Good luck!

8. SILICONE EGG COOKER, $5.66

Available at Shopee.

If you’ve ever tried cooking a hard-boiled egg, you’d understand the pain shell-peeling brings. Wouldn’t it be great if hard-boiled eggs could just come shell-free? Well, this silicone egg cooker could be the solution. Simply crack your eggs into the round moulds, submerge them in boiling water and plop them on a plate when they’re done! You’ll never have to peel an egg ever again. Get creative and use these babies for all sorts of egg dishes — let’s get cracking!

9. BANANA HOLDER, $6.49

Available at Monotaro.

“Why do you need a banana holder?” Er, have you heard about David Datuna eating Maurizio Cattelan’s $120,000 banana at the recent Art Basel held over the weekend? Well, if you have, then you’d best protect yours from any starving artists with this holder that surprisingly serves a purpose.

10. SPOON & TAMAGO HANABUNKO FLOWER VASE, USD44

Available at shop.konmari.com.

Why, yes, we all know Marie Kondo and her infamous tidying up method, but wait — is she now encouraging us to consume more lifestyle products? Listen up Alanis Morissette, THIS is ironic. To be fair, this beautiful porcelain bud vase, for instance, comes handmade by Japan’s Saga Prefecture artisans and looks utterly exquisite and minimalist. Anyone would want it. Does it spark joy though? If your friend doesn’t think so, you get to hoard — I mean, keep it!

11. NAIISE KOPIBAG MUG, $20

Available at Naiise.com

Any person who has spilled their to-go Kopi bad would appreciate this mug designed specifically to hold your bag of coffee. Help the klutz in your life be spill-proof. Wishful thinking, we know. 

12. BEARDAMENTS BEARD ORNAMENTS, USD8.99

Available at Amazon.

After no-shave November, some of your newly-bearded buddies may have a little trouble dressing up their new dos. Don’t let your bearded pals feel left out at all the holiday parties this season! Help them transform into a human Christmas tree with these cheery ornaments — it’s their time to shine.

13. TOMMY WISEAU’S THE ROOM DVD, USD9.60

Available at Amazon.

Nobody asked for The Room, nobody wanted The Room, but you have to admit, everybody LOVES The Room. This 2003 cult classic was written, directed and produced by the star of the show: Tommy Wiseau. Probably one of the best worst films ever made, this right here is 99 minutes of pure confusion, which anyone will undoubtably enjoy.

14. FLASHFORGE ADVENTURER 3 3D PRINTER, USD449

Available at Amazon.

Let’s face it — no one’s ever thought that they needed a 3D printer, but has anyone ever said they didn’t want one? Having a 3D printer at home or in the office probably isn’t the first thing you’d think of getting, but it definitely isn’t the last thing either. Want to make a cool figurine? 3D print it. Have an idea for a miniature, well, anything? 3D print it! Can’t find a pair of chopsticks to use? It’ll take a while, but hey, 3D PRINT IT!

15. TYPO TRAVEL PILLOW WITH HOOD, $29.99

Available at cottonon.com.

Trust us: this travel neck pillow by TYPO is the new “anti-social social shirts.” Complete with a hood to maintain their anti-social status, there are up to 9 designs to choose from! This lightweight and stylish carry-on will be a lifesaver to shield them from onlookers.

16. LEGO GINGER BREAD HOUSE, $149.90 [GIVEAWAY]

Available at thebrickshop.com.sg.

Know a friend who loves to decorate the home for Christmas and make it all festive? This 1,477-piece traditional Ginger Bread House will make a great addition right next to their nativity setup.

For items with the ‘GIVEAWAY’ labels, we’re giving them away in our massive holiday gift guide contests — head over to our Facebook and Instagram pages daily to take part.

More of NYLON’s Holiday Gift Guides, coming soon — stay tuned! Click here to see our full list of gift guides.