Stop. Listen. And look what we have here! Why, it’s the elusive keyboard warrior, and boy is it a fascinating creature. There are over four million different kinds of animals and plants in the natural world, but we have to say, this one’s a true beast.
Don’t let their harmless appearance fool ya! In the open, the keyboard warrior appears like a docile critter, but when cloaked in darkness and secrecy, it comes alive, its movements suddenly going at rapid-fire, spewing vitrol and hate as it wrecks war online. You can spot them trolling the deep corners of the Internet, web forums, and the ST comments section, while they’re also often armed with a cup of tea (which, no doubt, will be spilled) and what seems like an unlimited amount of time. Treat them well and they’ll be lifelong friends who’ll defend you to the ends of the earth — needless to say, you don’t want to be their enemy.
1. APPLE MAGIC MOUSE 2, $118
Available at Apple stores
We all love a good mouse. But no one loves a good mouse more than a keyboard warrior. The Apple Magic Mouse 2 is called a magic mouse for a reason; it does not require any batteries as it is rechargeable, it has an optimised foot design which means faster movements, and the multi-touch surface allows for performing simple gestures. Being a meanie has never been easier!
2. SECRETLAB THRONE SERIES SOFTWEAVE IN COAL PINK, $429
Available at secretlab.sg
Sit in comfort as you scroll down the hilarious Straits Times Comments section — it’s a gold mine. The ultimate gaming chair now has a new breathable weave fabric option that is inspired by streetwear because it’s all about the hype, man.
3. EVAPOLAR EVALIGHT PERSONAL AIR CONDITIONER, US$219
Available at evapolar.com
The only thing to calm down an online flamer? Let them keep a cool head with this personal air-conditioning gadget — see, they don’t even need to share!
4. LOGITECH SLIM FOLIO, $139
Available at logitech.com
A true keyboard warrior would always have his/her weapon close by them, and you can do that with Logitech’s Slim Folio! Attack with a slurry of unnecessary comments, but with the laptop-style typing for that extra 10% satisfaction. This slim and light design might not shield your ego but it does protect your iPad from scratches and bumps.
5. BOSE SLEEPBUDS, $379
Available at authorised Bose dealers
Now that they’re done getting the hate out of their system and ruining someone’s day in the process, they get to go to sleep in peace. Hopefully, forever. Well, these noise-masking sleep earbuds work so well that might actually happen.
6. THIRSTY SQUIRREL WATER DISPENSER, $64.90
Available at mrphy.sg
Thirsty for new gossip to dish about? Before you go head on with the next scoop, be sure to quench that thirst of yours first.
7. TOTALLY EFFORTLESS SELF-STIRRING MUG, $38
Available at totallyhotstuff.com
Keyboard warriors take their online discussions seriously and they ain’t got no time for menial tasks like stirring — after all, they’re already stirring up a storm online.
8. CLASSROOM MOTIVATIONAL SILK CLOTH POSTER, $13
Available on Lazada
My 妈妈 told me to always… T.H.I.N.K.! Repeat after me, T H I N K!
9. BREO IPALM 520 HAND MASSAGER, $688
Available at chirosingapore.com
Give your hands a deep spa they deserve after long hours of aggressive typing. The Breo iPalm 520 uses air pressure technology to effectively massage your hands pressure points and infrared heating that improves blood circulation and boost muscle recovering rate — so you are properly geared up for your next cyber battle!
10. RIO UV NAIL EXTENSIONS KIT, £39.99
Available at riobeauty.co.uk
For the satisfying sounds of your nails against the keyboard as you type out mean and nasty comments, you will require long nails. Don’t wanna spend so much money by heading to the nail salon monthly for nail extensions? Create professional-looking nails with this UV Nails Extension Kit for the professional keyboard warrior that you are!
11. X-MINI XOUNDBAR W AND KAI X1 W, $52.90 / $69.90
Available at x-mini.com
You’re a warrior behind the keyboard, but a mouse IRL. You want speakers that are as discreet as you are when you’re out and about. These compact, pocket-sized speakers from X-mini fit the bill; good quality audio when you want it, back hiding in your pocket or bag when you don’t need it.
12. ANKER POWERCORE II 6700mAh PORTABLE POWERBANK, $29.90
Available at ankersingapore.com
Running out of juice from using your phone a little too much? Stay plugged and keep yourself charged with a trusty portable battery to constantly keep yourself on streak.
13. URBAN DICTIONARY ‘I HAVE THE SCREENSHOTS’ MUG, USD25
Available at urbandictorary.store
You’re hiding behind your screen, but there’s no harm letting everyone know that you mean business. Someone’s making a stupid argument, well, you’re the one who’s going to prove him wrong. After a cup of tea, of course.
14. OWNDAYS PC GLASSES, $60
Available at Owndays
Blue light emanates from technology, which can then negatively affect your ability to fall asleep – which explains the spike in online activity at night. That’s why blue-light-blocking glasses, like the one from Owndays, will work best for your keyboard warrior friends who stay awake (and lurking) into the wee hours of the morning.
For all those items with the ‘WIN’ labels, we’re giving them away in our massive holiday gift guide GIVEAWAY — head over to our Facebook page and Instagram page daily to take part in our contests.
More of NYLON’s Holiday Gift Guides, coming soon — stay tuned! Click here to see our full list of gift guides.
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